Funny Quotes

Sometimes life gets too stressful and everything is just too serious.
So take a break, get that funny bone working and read something funny to lighten up a bit.
Here are funny quotes that can surely put a smile on your face.

Your age doesn’t matter, unless you’re wine.

I’m a depressed person who likes to make fun of depression. It’s funny.


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Instead of watching an impressive juggler juggle eight things, I’d rather see a terrible juggler who’s really funny.

I was about to get a good night’s sleep until I imagined the boogeyman might be under my bed. Now I’ve got dark circles under my eyes.

They say you don’t need money if you already have love. Well sure. Can love buy a house…? Or a car?

Whenever I’m at the gym, the most annoying thing I see are people already in great shape. I mean what the hell are you doing here? You’re done.

I often struggle with laziness. I am indecisive about whether I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and watch tv.

60 Love Quotes

If I were to choose between being smart but ugly and being pretty but dumb, I’d choose the former. I can be smart in life, make lots of money, and pay someone to make me pretty.

My girlfriend was afraid of the dark, then she saw me without clothes on and now she’s afraid of the light.


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Be straightforward and don’t sugarcoat. People will always be assholes anyway.

Have you ever looked at you best friend and wondered why the heck you aren’t comedians?

You mean the world to me quotes

Don’t be stupid. Be stupid and funny; it might make you famous.

Whenever I hear someone say how hard their life is, I always try not to ask compared to what?

Getting a lover adds meaning to your life, but they also subtract the cash from your wallet.

Sometimes I look at my husband and think how much I love him and how much I want to punch him.

Mentor quotes

When I tell a girl she’s like pizza, I really mean I love that person. Because I love pizza.

I love you with all my boobs. I would say heart but my boobs are bigger.

The most flattering thing in class is when the teacher uses your name as an example in a problem solving.

There are certain times when I get worried about getting fat, then there are times when I don’t care and just eat a box of donut.

Singing in the shower is fun and makes you so confident… until you hear someone sing with you and you know you’re home alone.

I’m a practical girl. I’d rather have a bucket of chicken than a bouquet of flowers. I can’t eat flowers.

Life doesn’t have fists but it does give a hard punch sometimes that can you off your feet. Then you’ll have to struggle getting up again.

Deal problems like a dog; if you can’t solve it, eat it, play with it, or pee on it and walk away.

The hardest part of life is being nice to the people you want to punch in the face.

I’m an introvert. If I don’t wanna talk to you that means I’m on energy saving mode.

I always try to go to work with a good mood and a peaceful mind, then some idiots ruin it.

I don’t wanna go to work, but then I know my bills will beat me up if I don’t.

Sometimes, work sucks so much that the only thing that impresses you is the chair swiveling.

If only managers let us drink at work, it would be less stressful.

There is no one better than my best friend, especially when she brings me pizza and donuts.

To achieve a balanced diet, one must have a donut in each hand.

I will never believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re doubtful.

Did you know that all the people in supporting birth control are already born?

The thing about life and hardships is it’s all about mind over matter; if you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter. So why bother?

Did you know that the more birthdays you have, the older you become, the more responsibilities you get, the more likely you’ll be miserable?

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure does pay the wages of a large research team to study any problem that can make you unhappy.

The most certain sign that intelligent life exists somewhere in the universe is that it has never bothered to contact us.

If you’re going to be completely honest with other people, be hilarious or they’ll murder you.

Inside me there’s a fit person wanting to get out, but I can keep him at bay with one or two boxes of donuts.

It’s ironic how common sense is not that common nowadays.

For me, the best machine at the gym is the one and only vending machine.

The high heels were created by a woman who is tired being kissed on the forehead.

If you truly love something set it free, but don’t be surprised if it comes back someday with HIV.

Laughing at our failures can lengthen our own life. But laughing at someone else’s failure can shorten it.

If you assume you are too little to make a difference, try sleeping with a tiny mosquito bugging you.

Each one of us has a purpose in life; perhaps yours is getting fat while playing video games.

If you think no one cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of bills for a couple of months.

Why do you take life too seriously when the fact is you will never get out of it alive?

A freaking computer once beat me at playing chess, but it was no match for me at jiu jitsu.

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know how pizza and ice cream taste like.

If you find it difficult to laugh at yourself, someone would be pleased to do it for you. (22)

It’s true that life is hard; it’s a lot harder if you’re dimwitted.

If you always wanted to be somebody, one day you will realize that you should have been more specific.

Cleaning up with a bunch of children is like shoveling during a snowstorm.

bro, if you really want something in your life, you have to work really hard for it. Now shush! They’re about to roll the lottery numbers.

Why is it called Soul food if it doesn’t have a soul in it?

If life gets hard, well, that’s too bad. It was never easy in the first place.

If home is where the heart is, does that mean the toilet is where the butt is?

Keep running to your dreams but when you trip, it means you’re running too fast.

Follow your mind not your heart unless you’re stupid.

If you’re late to work, might as not go to work. You can’t be late if you’re absent.

It’s good to be short sometimes, you can just go underneath your problems and run.

After watching a horror movie, I went to the bathroom, I got scared at the mirror but then I realized, it was just my face.

Laughter is the best medicine, unless you have asthma. It’ll probably kill you.

They say love is blind but you go to something that is so obvious.

I threw a penny down the well to make a wish. When I walked away, I realized I don’t have change anymore.

I thought my house was haunted, I keep hearing ghostly moans but then it was actually my granddad, sleeping upstairs.

My girlfriend gave me a heart attack. She screamed from the bathroom, I ran only to find out her favorite lipstick broke.

My mom told me I was adopted, I cried not because I was sad, it’s because I was happy that I’m not related to my hot sister.

My dad said he’s not scared of anything until a cockroach flew in front of his face.

The world has so many unanswered questions, like why did I sweat without moving.

My grand mom was a badass, she made us scared just by looking at us.

My teacher asked why I failed, I said he was a bad teacher.

My boss asked why I was late, I told him traffic and I live 2 blocks away. He believed me.

I think I’m allergic to socializing, when a dude went up to talk to me, I sneezed.

Never fool a jealous woman, she can solve more crimes than any detective.

My girlfriend can be my lover and my bodyguard. When a girl went up to ask directions, she put a velvet rope between us and said, You are unauthorized to speak.

If you think your man is thinking about another girl, he isn’t. He’s probably thinking how Avengers: Endgame is going to work out.

Always befriend deaf people, they talk less. They’re more convenient.

You heard of the holocaust right? They say there’s no meaning in numbers so 7,000,000 means nothing right?

The reason why black people do crimes at night is because they disappear in the shadows when people look for them.

Tits are like cash, the bigger and the more you have the heavier they are to carry.

Money is the root of all problems but buying coffee helps you work harder.

If you think the research papers you made are useless, remember, your diploma is that deadline.

Dead people don’t go back to life unless Starbucks Pumpkin Spice season opens.

The best way to get a raise is to get close to your boss, if you know what I mean.

If you think ghosts are scary, look at the corner of your desk.

The best alternative to get away from depression is friends, unless you don’t have them. Make some.

The hardest place to work is the Hardware store.

If there was a zombie in front of you, you’re safe. They only hunt for brains and apparently you don’t have one.

If you think a desk work is hard, try construction work. You’ll get a free workout.

The cockroach is the most powerful being in the world. Even the strongest man quivers before it.

My crush’s love for me is like the square root of -1; it’s imaginary.

A good first date is always at the beach; you’ll find out if your date is wearing makeup.

When eating at a Chinese restaurant, never ask someone else to take your order for you. Because the last thing you want to eat is a pufferfish.

If life gives you lemons, squeeze them back to life’s eyes. I hate lemons.

Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder, that’s why my mom is the only one who says I’m beautiful.

Love is like a t-shirt, you love it. You show it off and in the end of the day, you take it off. But if you love it, you’ll wash it yourself and realize that this quote has nothing to do with love.

You don’t need milk to fix insomnia, you need Jesus.

Coffee helps you with work but that doesn’t stop you from procrastinating. Get back to work.

An ex is like a fart, if you don’t let go, you’ll spend your money to make yourself feel better and then after you run out of money, you’ll start crying to your parents because it hurts and then you realized all you had to do the entire time was to let it go.

Be like Elsa and Let it go. Don’t be like Cinderella because she talks to rats and ask advices from an imaginary old woman.

You wanted to be like Dora and explore the world but your parents are strict as hell.

You want to see a zombie? Go back to college and redo your thesis.

If you’re ever in a relationship with a bee, never leave it. Because the break up will sting a lot.

Potatoes are better at losing weight, they can be thin in a split second and yet we all have to work our ass off to get thin.

Eyes are the windows of the soul, so why is it some people have black eyes?

The reason why dragons don’t exist is because dinosaurs are jealous of them.

What’s the difference between heads up and heads down? Heads down is only applicable if you’re catching something important. When people says, Get down, they’re trying to get people from getting into accidents. That’s why people in the club always say get down on the dance floor. They don’t want you to dance, they just want to keep you from making an accident in their bars or restrooms.

It’s weird that the people who ask you to calm down are the ones who pissed you off in the first place.

If you want a family meeting, go to where the WiFi router is and wait til everyone loses their minds and go to router to check it out.

Sometimes you gotta appreciate how pets can’t talk; they know too much.

You can never teach a cat to do anything. He’s smart enough to tell himself he’s the boss.

If my pimples paid rent for each time they live in my face, I’d probably be rich by now.

It’s weird how I give my friends relationship advice but I’m actually single.

They told me that I should follow my heart, so I went to the fridge.